Resilient Leadership

I’m reminded of that old Bob Dylan refrain: “Come gather ’round people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown.” The end of the calendar year brings each of us to the end of waters we’ve navigated over the past 12 months. During this transitional time of the season I start wondering what there is for me to learn from the events of the past and how to take that learning into the next year.

All too often, people think that change will flow because they want it to. We can wish all we’d like on a star, but hope alone never gets us unstuck or helps to improve a situation. Activating the positive, supportive voice within increases courage, ease and assertiveness. Aren’t these the qualities that have us be more successful with anything — be it a relationship or a work project? Sure they are.

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The way I see it, every generation of girls is taught to find value and identity through the way we look and the way we impress others. That certainly was the case when I was growing up. Thankfully, when I came of age in the 1960′s and 70′s the fashion of the day wasn’t marked by ultra-thinness and ultra-sexiness. In today’s world, according to Peggy Orenstein, contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine, “girls are trying to look like grownups and adults are trying to look girlish.” Clearly something is out of whack.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to hear Peggy speak at the 21st Annual Renfrew Center Conference. This conference has always been a source of inspiration and empowerment to me and many others psychotherapists throughout the country. Beyond learning about the healing power in the therapist-client relationship, it is here that therapists empower each other to grow, expand conceptual frameworks and discover what really makes a difference in helping women heal and find their way to emotional and physical health. If you aren’t a psychotherapist this may seem like a no-brainer, something that one would expect to happen all the time in lots of different venues — but believe me, it doesn’t. It was over a series of years that the speakers at this annual conference gave me the strength and resolve to speak my truth and trust my instincts as a therapist.

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As a leadership development coach, I was thrilled when I noticed that April’s Harvard Business Review was entirely devoted to the topic of failure — how to understand it, learn from it, and recover from it. It spoke about resilience — the capacity to rebound from failures and disappointments — and the importance of speaking to ourselves from a positive attitude that interprets experience as rich with lessons and opportunities to learn and move on.

Many of us, even very successful people, struggle with a harsh Inner Critic that tells us that we are not smart enough, talented enough, attractive enough, etc. The Inner Critic holds us hostage, inhibits our expression, creates fear and anxiety, and sometimes blocks our most creative output. The Inner Critic is an internal force that blocks the development of resilience by assuming and predicting bad outcomes. It distorts our perception of neutral situations by projecting a negative outlook.

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Learning to value our “real” self and cultivate our strengths is easier said than done, especially in a world that constantly sends us messages that our natural self is inadequate. Yes, I know that marketers of hair products, clothing and diet programs are not thinking about their impact on leadership in the workplace, but that doesn’t mean that their advertising haven’t challenged the ways we value our personal traits, including those we bring into the workplace.

Peter Vaill, author of “Managing as a Performing Art,” reminds us that “treating leadership as a list of functions or skills doesn’t match up with real life.” He writes: “In daily life no one experiences her job as a list of functions or competencies. Leadership is a matter of a whole person in a whole environment interacting in concrete ways with other whole persons.”

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Once a soccer mom, always a soccer mom! How else do I explain organizing my lunchtime in front of ESPN, beaming in smile as the US Women’s World Cup team beats France to win a chance for the championship trophy in the finals?

The years of cheering and schlepping as my youngest daughter (now a college grad) played travel and varsity soccer has indelibly marked a soft spot in my heart for “the beautiful game.” I remember the day, twelve years ago, when Brandi Chastain impulsively lifted her shirt, exposing her sports bra for the world to see, as a sign of her joy and strength. She, along with her teammates, had just won the World Cup in a penalty kick shootout. While shocked at how she broke female traditions, I was elated at her bravery to be herself and match her male counterparts on the field.

Continue reading this article at The Huffington Post.